(8) This is Who I Am

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Determination.stonesoccerfriends

This is Who I Am (Final Draft)

Link: This is Who I Am (Final Draft)

Who am I? Our passions, values, and the goals that we seek to achieve in life are all fundamental factors that work together in shaping who we become. Ultimately, I believe that my actions and the way I treat others reveal my true character and most accurately define who I am.  Personally, I view myself as an athlete, an individual who never gives up, and a loyal and trustworthy friend.

Soccer has played an integral role in my development as a person and has been an immense part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has taught me how to set my mind on a task and pursue it. Confidence, patience, and perseverance are just a few of the various qualities that soccer has imparted to me over the years. Not only has soccer been an influential teacher, but it has also gifted me with countless opportunities to bond with my teammates and make new friends. Last autumn, I was fortunate enough to be a member of the high school soccer team that traveled to Chiang Mai, Thailand, to participate in an overseas tournament called the Five Nations Cup. Throughout the course of six days, we competed against five other Christian schools from four different countries. On and off the pitch, we bonded as a team by growing more comfortable with each other and providing mutual support. We interacted and developed close friendships with players from other schools, relationships that we cherish and hope to maintain in years to come.

During the tournament, we had to follow an intense schedule of matches, and had to play in the sun for up to three hours a day. After one of the matches on the third day, I felt an agonizing discomfort on my feet. Immediately, I took off my socks and discovered that I had developed blisters on each of my toes. I was filled with despair as I was in no condition to play in the remaining two matches of the tournament. However, after patching up my injuries, I was determined to play in the next game. As the game started, the pain was excruciating as my toes rubbed vigorously against the sides of my cleats.  After what seemed like eternity, the sound of a whistle pierced the air as the eighty minutes of soccer drew to an end. On the verge of tears, I collapsed onto the grass with my socks drenched in blood. Despite the agony, I felt an indescribable feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. I had fought through the pain barrier and not let my teammates down.

Although some people overlook the importance of friendship, there is no denying that friends have a tremendous impact on each other and are the ones who will stand by you no matter what happens. Loyalty is a trait that I possess, and for that, I am a person who is always willing to go the extra mile to help a friend in need. In soccer, when a teammate is struggling and not performing to the level of his potential, I encourage and spur him on. I try to offer him advice on how he could improve instead of criticizing him for the mistakes he was committing. After all, individuals alone cannot go far, and we either win as a team or lose as a team. When a friend calls me up late at night with questions on homework, I patiently explain to him the concepts that he has trouble understanding, and gently guide him towards the answer.

My attributes of athleticism, determination and loyalty are all ingredients that combine to make up who I am. Each trait plays an equally significant role in shaping my character, personality, and how I interact with others. Through soccer, I discovered my passion, a force that filled the void of what had been missing in my life.

 

This is Who I Am (Reflection on Writing Process)

Link: This is Who I Am (Reflection on Writing Process)

1.  What were the strengths of your paper?  What did you do particularly well, what do you have to be proud of? What are the best elements that you could build on?

I think that the best part of my essay were my specific examples and illustrations. I did a good job portraying myself through the usage of stories and the telling of experiences. Organization was another aspect of my paper that I feel proud of. I organized my ideas and stories in a way that made it easy to understand, and managed to get my points clearly across to the reader. I also think that my sentence fluency was well done. My ideas flowed smoothly and logically from sentence to sentence. Transitions were placed between ideas and guided the reader from one idea to the next.

2.  What are some weaknesses in the paper that you could address?

I think that one of the areas I need to improve on is my voice. Although I think I did a great job with using voice in my soccer story, I could have used more voice throughout my entire paper. After reading some of my peers’ essays, I realized that my paper was quite similar to the other papers and wasn’t unique. Nothing about my essay really stood out from the others to make it “original”. If I include more voice in my writing, the readers will be able to sense my feelings and personality behind my words. Another area that I could improve on is my mechanics. Although overall I think I did a decent job in this area and didn’t make many observable mistakes, I should have read my paper out loud to avoid making some of the mistakes that I made.

3.  If you had a chance to start this assignment over from scratch, what might you do differently and why?

If I had a chance to start my assignment over from scratch, I might decide to incorporate more stories into my paper. Stories can do a better job of revealing my character to the readers than any amount of explaining can achieve. I would also try to write with more voice so that the readers can see my emotion behind my writing, and get a better idea of who I am.

4. What have you learned from this assignment that you could use to be a better writer on future assignments?  Choose ONE area of improvement that you really want to focus on for upcoming assignments. What is it? Explain how you can improve on this element of your writing.  

When I first started writing the “Who I Am” paper, I had no idea where to begin. I didn’t know what writing style I was expected to use to present my ideas. After we completed our essays, we went over several examples as a class, and analyzed what made those specific papers unique from the others. I realized that a good essay is one where the writer doesn’t simply tell the stories, but rather illustrate and show them. I realized that one of my greatest weaknesses is my inability to integrate voice into my writing. I often try to include too much information and details into my paper, and end up writing with little to no voice. In the upcoming assignments, I hope to improve on my voice so that my writing will have more “life” in it and engage the readers. I want the readers to be able to catch a glimpse of my personality and character through my writing.

5. Mr. Nollan’s Feedback: Excellent job with the specific examples and illustrations. See the attachment for suggestions.

Ideas/Content: 5/5
Organization: 5/5
Word Choice: 4/5
Sentence Fluency: 5/5
Voice: 4/5
Mechanics: 4/5

Link: Who I Am (Teacher Feedback)

5

 

This Is Who I Am (Peer Edit)

Link: This Is Who I Am (Peer Edit)

Chak Hee: (Ideas/Content: 4/5) Although you began the paper with a cliche rhetorical question, you made up for it with the fluid sentences directly afterwards. Almost immediately, the seriousness of the topic was brought back in. However, I feel like the paragraph about loyalty could be buffed up with an anecdote or personal imagery that would really bring the reader in. (Organization: 5/5) Very well organized and therefore quite easy to read. Your thoughts are coherent throughout the paper and one could easy see where you’re going next paragraph after paragraph.

Lois: (Word Choice: 4/5) This was very close, the word choice that he used was very, very good throughout the essay, that said though this line: “Loyalty is a trait that I posses, and for that,” Instead of saying “for that” I feel as if he should have said “because of that”. Other than that I think that it would be a five. (Sentence Fluency: 5/5) His sentences were great, and were well formed.

Karen: (Voice: 4/5) I can feel your voice through the paper, but it feels a little reserved, or a little formal. Almost as if you didn’t really want to write too much about yourself for the assignment. (Mechanics: 5/5) No errors that I could find.

 

This is Who I Am (Rough Draft)

Link: This is Who I Am (Rough Draft)

Who am I? This is a commonly asked question that many individuals ask themselves and see the answer to. Our passions, values, and the goals that we seek to achieve in life are all fundamental factors that work together in shaping who we become. Ultimately, I believe that my actions and the way I treat others reveal my true character and most accurately define who I am.  Personally, I view myself as an athlete, an individual who never gives up, and a loyal and trustworthy friend.

Soccer has played an integral role in my development as a person and has been an immense part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has taught me how to set my mind on a task and pursue in accomplishing it. Confidence, patience, and perseverance are just a few of the various qualities that soccer has imparted into me over the years. Not only has soccer been an influential teacher, but it has also gifted me with countless opportunities to bond with my teammates and make new friends. Last autumn, I was fortunate enough to be a member of the high school soccer team that traveled to Chiang Mai, Thailand, to participate in an overseas tournament called the Five Nations Cup. Throughout the course of six days, we competed against five other Christian schools from four different countries. On and off the pitch, we bonded as a team by growing more comfortable with each other and providing each other with mutual support. We interacted and developed close friendships with players from other schools, relationships that we cherish and hope to maintain in years to come.

During the tournament, we had to follow an intense schedule of matches, and had to play in the sun for up to three hours a day. After one of the matches on the third day, I felt an agonizing discomfort within my cleats. Immediately, I took off my socks and discovered that I had developed blisters on each of my toes. I was filled with despair as I was in no condition to play in the remaining two matches of the tournament. However, after patching up my injuries, I was determined to play in the next game. As the game started, the pain was excruciating as my toes rubbed vigorously against the sides of my cleats.  After what seemed like eternity, the sound of a whistle pierced through the air as the eighty minutes of soccer drew to an end. On the verge of tears, I collapsed onto the grass with my socks drenched in blood. Despite the agony screaming in my mind, I felt an indescribable feeling of fulfilment and satisfaction. I had fought through the pain barrier and not let my teammates down.

Friends have a tremendous impact on each other and are the ones who will stand by you no matter what happens. Loyalty is a trait that I possess, and for that, I am the person who is always willing to go the extra mile to help a friend in need. In soccer, when a teammate is struggling and not performing to the level of his potential, I encourage and spur him on. I try to offer him advice on how he could improve instead of criticizing him for the mistakes he was committing. After all, individuals do not exist in soccer, and we either win as a team or lose as a team. When a friend rings me up late at night with questions on homework, I patiently explain to him the concepts that he has trouble understanding, and gently guide him towards the answer.

My attributes of athleticism, determinedness and loyalty are all ingredients that combine to make up who I am. Each trait plays an equally significant role in shaping my character, personality, and how I interact with others. Through soccer, I discovered my passion, a force that filled the void of what had been missing in my life, the final piece of the puzzle that completed who I am.

One thought on “(8) This is Who I Am

  1. Jeremy! I like how you described yourself in a way that is very realistic. Knowing you, none of what you wrote is made up. This piece of writing really tells me a lot more about yourself and is very well written. Excellent Job! Keep up the good work!

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